the indie lumberjack.

it’s friday night.

so it’s barely midnight and i’m already alone in my room while everyone on campus is out getting drunk, having tons of fun, and doing stuff with their friends. granted, i’m not going to lie and say i didn’t imbibe tonight, because i did. i drank some awful wine [a lot of awful wine] out of a secondary container [a red plastic cup] and walked around campus with my friends. then they all just kinda went off to do their own thing. i got invited to do stuff but i decided my room was…safer? <— i guess?

i sort of just feel like i’d bring them down. once again, this is all part of this depression bullshit. [sorry for swearing so much, mom] i don’t feel like myself. i was having fun earlier [i think] but as soon as everyone was gone i was like…well now i just have myself and that sucks. like, being by myself doesn’t scare me or anything. i’m not afraid of being alone or that i’ll do something stupid. i’m just not a fan of being alone with my thoughts.

i didn’t used to be afraid of my thoughts. and it isn’t like my thoughts scare me in a literal “terror” sense, it is more of the fact that i don’t like what my brain is capable of as it’s own entity. my brain just kind of does it’s own thing when i’m by myself where it justifies things and makes me feel awful about other things. i just want my brain to be like…a normal functional brain that doesn’t make me awful. there has to be something for that.

i’m a dweller.

i dwell on things. i over-think things. it is just who i am. i’m not proud of it, i’m not happy about it, but i’ve learned to accept that it is just part of my personality. and…now i completely forgot where my brain was going with that thought. i drank too much tonight. [once again, i'm sorry mom].

but good news, jack’s mannequin just came on pandora and now i’m crying.

this was a mistake.

yeah, writing this was a bad idea. sorry internet. sorry friends. sorry mom.

-the lumberjack