mistake « the indie lumberjack.

this is my night.

September 10th, 2011 § Leave a Comment

it’s friday night.

so it’s barely midnight and i’m already alone in my room while everyone on campus is out getting drunk, having tons of fun, and doing stuff with their friends. granted, i’m not going to lie and say i didn’t imbibe tonight, because i did. i drank some awful wine [a lot of awful wine] out of a secondary container [a red plastic cup] and walked around campus with my friends. then they all just kinda went off to do their own thing. i got invited to do stuff but i decided my room was…safer? <— i guess?

i sort of just feel like i’d bring them down. once again, this is all part of this depression bullshit. [sorry for swearing so much, mom] i don’t feel like myself. i was having fun earlier [i think] but as soon as everyone was gone i was like…well now i just have myself and that sucks. like, being by myself doesn’t scare me or anything. i’m not afraid of being alone or that i’ll do something stupid. i’m just not a fan of being alone with my thoughts.

i didn’t used to be afraid of my thoughts. and it isn’t like my thoughts scare me in a literal “terror” sense, it is more of the fact that i don’t like what my brain is capable of as it’s own entity. my brain just kind of does it’s own thing when i’m by myself where it justifies things and makes me feel awful about other things. i just want my brain to be like…a normal functional brain that doesn’t make me awful. there has to be something for that.

i’m a dweller.

i dwell on things. i over-think things. it is just who i am. i’m not proud of it, i’m not happy about it, but i’ve learned to accept that it is just part of my personality. and…now i completely forgot where my brain was going with that thought. i drank too much tonight. [once again, i'm sorry mom].

but good news, jack’s mannequin just came on pandora and now i’m crying.

this was a mistake.

yeah, writing this was a bad idea. sorry internet. sorry friends. sorry mom.

-the lumberjack

wtf wednesday – february 24, 2010.

February 24th, 2010 § Leave a Comment

This week…

Well this week I don’t have much to rant about…and I’m strangely okay with that. I do, however, have some things to complain about.

Let the complaining…commence!

#1. Social Security – Yup, I hate them yet again. But not for the usual reason people hate social security [the fact that it will be gone in like 10 years from now]. No, my reason stems from the fact that I drove myself to the Social Security Office last week to fix my birthday [see: wtf wednesday - february 17, 2010 to understand] and that they fixed my birthday within fifteen minutes. causing my jaw to drop and my spirits to raise. This was all in the hopes of gaining my nice fat tax return, but unfortunately, God doesn’t want me to enjoy the money that I worked hard for..then gave to the government…for them to give back to me several months later [taxes are stupid sometimes].

But then the best thing ever happened to me: They didn’t actually fix my birthday. Nope, it is still the wrong year. So I have to get myself back in my car, fill out the SS-5 form, just so I can change one thing on the form…again, and drive to the Social Security Office again. This is ridiculous. I’m almost twenty, catch the mistake that you made…almost twenty years ago. The same mistake that I tried to fix a week ago…hooray government inefficiency.

WTF Social Security…again.

#2. Nosey People – I hate people that poke their big dumb stupid faces in to the business of people they hardly talk to anymore. It is stupid that people just shove their business, in to the business of others. Well, I didn’t want your business in mine, therefore you are raping my business. And rape is wrong.

So attention to everyone who does this: Stop. You look like a tool and everyone hates you. You know how much you love gossip and knowing things about people? Well when people are whispering near you and you can’t tell what they’re saying, I’ll clarify it for you; they are talking about you.

WTF Dumb People.

That’s it.

I had a pretty good week other than the whole…lots of school work and lots of actual work. I’m stressed, have a cold, and I’m sleepy all the time [yup, sounds like mono again].

Anyway, I’ll post some music tomorrow or something since I didn’t on Monday…because I’m lazy. My bad.

Cody.

Friendship; Revisited

September 14th, 2008 § 1 Comment

It’s kind of funny to me, that when you are at your worst, at your absolute lowest point in life, your “friends” make you feel worse. That’s when the true color of “friendship” comes out. That’s when you learn what kind of people your “friends” truly are.

When you call a “friend” crying, and you don’t know what to do, pray to God they don’t side with the other person. Pray to God that they comfort you and don’t make you feel even worse about what you did and who you hurt and what type of mistakes you made. Pray to God that they’ll stay on the phone with you while you sob to them, and when you’re done blubbering like and idiot, pray to God one last time that what comes out of their mouth through your phone is encouragement and help.

Last night taught me to trust no one, not even myself. I’m the worst “friend” of all, that’s probably why I don’t have any…

I’m sorry to all those that were pushed away by the actions of last night and the preceding days. I’m sorry you all had to experience that with me, and that it put such a strain on our friendships and relationships. I hope you can forgive me, but from my experiences with “friends” in the past, I won’t be expecting you to.

I’m taking most of your advice from here on out, just stay a little while longer to see the fruits of your labors.

So if I have any of you left…if any of you are still on board, let me know, because I’m feeling like I messed up past any point of salvation.

the indie lumberjack.

this is my night.

wtf wednesday – february 24, 2010.

Friendship; Revisited

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