a fresh start.
January 31st, 2012 § Leave a Comment
hey guys.
so a lot of stuff has been going on in my life. i ended something last semester that a lot of people gave me shit for. but you know what? it was my decision to make. i’m sorry for those that it hurt in the process. i lost a lot of friends but i guess that is just something that happens when you share friends.
however, i’ve gotten really close with my roommates and friends that i lost touch with. i also got a lot closer with my parents [surprisingly] and it is great knowing that they support me in everything i do no matter what their feelings are regarding my decision. my relationship with my parents is really important to me and i wouldn’t change it for the world.
i also met someone…so yeah.
moving forward.
this is my last semester at virginia wesleyan which means i’m about to enter the real world with all of it’s mystery and wonder and terror.
this semester i’m the editor of the opinion section of my college paper, which is really exciting. i’ve wanted an editing position since i started college and it took me three years to finally get one. it’s really nice finally having an editor in chief that can keep a promise.
i’m taking a lot of upper level classes:
- a public relations class that requires a final project of 20 pages of research and strategies for how wesleyan can attract better students that i have to present to all of the deans of the college, the president of the college, and the admissions department.
- my senior seminar in political science which deals with social movements, which should be interesting.
- a film appreciation class with one of my favorite professors.
- a theories and methods of mass communications class which will probably be the death of me. i’ll manage though.
there is a local newspaper that i am considering sending my resume to so i have high hopes that it might work out with them. if not, i’ll probably just continue working for that video game retailer [that i am now the assistant manager of!] and do that until i can find a big boy job.
i’m also moving in with some friends after i graduate, so i’m really stoked for that.
that’s about it…
life is really great. i’m not sad anymore. at all. like…i am happy pretty much all the time. it is really nice not feeling broken anymore. everyone has their bad days, and now i’m just like everyone else. i have my bad days, but i have way more good days than bad days and it is fantastic.
i’ve been writing my novel again and i’ve gotten a lot more of it done in the past few months. i really hope to have it finished by the end of the year. my original goal was by graduation but that isn’t going to happen unless i can start busting out a chapter a week [which i guess could be doable].
anyway.
i’m back. i’m alive. i’m happy. i’m feeling productive and i’m gonna stick to this.
-the lumberjack
the near future.
September 10th, 2011 § Leave a Comment
about last night…
sorry about that guys. i realized when i’m in that type of mood [that level of intoxicated], maybe pouring my soul out to the internet isn’t the best way to cope with that [or maybe i'll make a tumblr so i can do that]. i need to just be creative, or get out of my room and do something. but anyway, i apologize and it won’t happen again.
tonight is a new night.
so i’m sitting in my room, listening to iwrestledabearonce and the bunny the bear [go listen to these bands] and thinking about my life. not my life in any sort of depressing capacity [intentionally] but more of my life in a “what am i going to do in a year?” capacity. and i’m trying hard not to panic about it because panic attacks aren’t any fun, but i’m having trouble with that. i just have no idea what i want to do after i graduate.
what are my options?
1. graduate school – yeah no thanks. i have been in school for like…16 years now and i’m kind of just done learning stuff for a little while. and i wouldn’t even know what to go to grad school for [english or marketing/business] or even begin to know where i’d want to go [most likely odu because it is sort of cheap and close to home/work]. i’m trying to talk [trick] my dad in to paying for it because i really don’t want to be even more in debt.
2. get a big boy job – i know what i want to do…sort of. well i have a lot of employment ideas but all of them require a massive stroke of luck and an extensive network of incredibly well connected people that have an affinity for chubby bearded hipster dudes that like writing and video games. so yeah, that isn’t gonna happen.
3. take a year off from school and continue working at gamestop – this is looking like the most probable solution to my problem.
4. move west and start over – i mean…why not? worked for a lot of other people, maybe my luck/demeanor/life will change for the better. isn’t like i can’t ever move back if it sucks worse out there.
so….yeah.
i’ll probably continue working for gamestop and hope and pray that i get promoted to assistant manager while i figure out what i want to do with myself. not the greatest option but it’ll pay the bills until i have to start paying back my almost six figure college debt.
anyone looking to donate to the lumberjack relief fund can contact me at —> theindielumberjack@gmail.com.
thanks for reading. more substantial/important posts coming soon.
-the lumberjack.
a tall stack of flapjacks.
September 8th, 2011 § Leave a Comment
sorry guys.
life has been really busy lately so i haven’t been keeping up with this as much as i’d like. whenever i get stressed out and busy, this is the first thing i cut from my “to-do list” which needs to stop. anyway, main point – i’m sorry.
on to the actual post.
so it’s pretty much official – i think i’m depressed again. now, before i say anything else i would like to clarify one huge point.
i am not crying out for help. i am not looking for attention. i’m a big boy. i can handle my own problems. if i ask you for your help, then i want it. if i don’t, then i don’t. once again, not a cry for attention.
meh.
i’ve become pretty good at placing my depression on the back burner and living a totally functional life without need of medication or any type of therapeutic assistance. but you know, everyone has those days that are just worse than others, and lately, i’ve been quietly having those days everyday. even on my best day this weekend [the entirety of which was pretty fantastic] i was still a wreck mentally.
and i can’t blame this on a specific person or event or responsibility. there is just a lot of stuff going on.
why this sucks.
1. it’s making me really sleepy. i go to bed and and then sleep for like ten hours, then i wake up and i’m still tired. i feel like the fattest laziest person ever because i need a nap after sleeping for nine hours.
2. i have way too much stuff to do to be this apathetic. i have to work. i have to run a store and make sales and do stuff that goes along with what my job requires. i’m pretty sure i had my worst night of work [statistically and productively] that i’ve had since…i can’t even remember.
on top of that, i have school which requires a lot more attention than i have to give right now. it’s not that i don’t care, because deep down on a subconscious level, i am stoked i’m about to graduate college. it’s like i just completed the longest most draining marathon ever attempted and i came in first. but consciously, i don’t have any f’s to give.
i have friendships and relationships and acquaintances and people i care about that i feel like i’m letting down by being this miserable sad sack all the time.
3. and well, for the obvious reason – i’m depressed. i’m not myself. it sucks. for anyone that has ever dealt with this bullshit from the point of view of being depressed, it’s awful trying to tell the people that you love that you’re just really sad and there is nothing they can do/say/etc. to make you a complete human being again. because that is essentially what being depressed is – it is being a person that isn’t quite whole and not knowing why.
i think that’s enough.
yeah, that’s enough for tonight. i’m gonna go do homework or play xbox or something. or nothing. i don’t know.
later.
-the lumberjack
a report from the logging camp – 08.17.11
August 17th, 2011 § Leave a Comment
what’s up, world?
yes, i am still alive. which means, no, i’m not dead. nor did i lose all ability to type or blog or anything. school and work kind of overwhelmed me and i just sort of lost all my motivation to do anything creative at all.
that happens to people, right?
anyway…
i guess some of you might be wondering what i’ve been up to [and some of you probably don't care]…so here is what i’ve been up to.
technology failed.
my dear laptop, percy the pc, passed away after two years of tremendous service to both queen and country. i was downloading music…that i may or may not have paid for, and after it downloaded the file, it just sort of died. it wouldn’t boot up the whole way and it was sad day. so about 7 days and $800 later, i have a brand new laptop which i believe is named horace. it’s a better laptop than i had before so i’m pretty happy with the forced investment.
this album has kept me sane.
where we buy and sell used games.
yeah, i’m still at gamestop doing my thing. i’m still shift lead [unfortunately] but there isn’t really anything i can do about it. i’m not willing to change stores to get promoted because i like my customers and i like my coworkers and we all work well together so i’ll just stick to being the bottom rung on the management ladder until i get my opportunity to advance. i’m incredibly good at my job though, so i guess that is the bright side.
it isn’t really hard to be good at that job though…
senior citizen discount.
two milestones within a month of each other: i’m 21 now and i’m a senior this year. finally, my last year at wesleyan and i couldn’t be happier. i’m kind of excited to move out on my own, get a job, maybe go to graduate school. who knows? tons of opportunities and all that jazz once i graduate, right?
if i stay optimistic, it helps me from crying about having absolutely no clue what i’m going to do next year.
well…that’s it.
i always say i’m going to update this more and be better about updating, but i never do. so i leave you with this promise that i’m going to try.
-the lumberjack.
thinking ahead.
February 25th, 2011 § 3 Comments
sorry in advance.
i’m sure you’re all getting annoyed with how personal the site has become lately, and for that i apologize. not sure which direction i’d like to take it as far as concepts and topics go. i’d really like more writers.
anyway, i’ve been thinking a lot about what i want to do after i graduate. there aren’t a lot of jobs out there and even less for people who decided to major in political science and journalism [granted, it almost seems like i want to work for like the washington post or npr or something] but i remain hopeful that there is something out there for me once i leave the halls of wesleyan.
here is what i’m thinking…
a quick note: these are both for the long term and the short term.
teaching – it’s true, i hate kids. i hate kids that are younger than me and i hate kids my age. but i love english and i think i’d make a really interesting english teacher. if there is only one thing i’ve learned while at wesleyan, it is that there are an overwhelming [and depressing] number of 18-21 year olds that have no idea how to use the english language to convey thoughts. i mean, all of them can write sentences, but those sentences are terrible. i also think i might swear more than is allowed in public middle/high schools so i might need to teach at the college level.
i also thought about teaching journalism or government to high school kids. might as well contribute to the things i studied.
gamestop – this is a “if nothing else in my life works out and i have no other option” option. i mean, i do enjoy working at gamestop [for the most part] but i don’t want to be that guy who is in his thirties and is only an assistant manager or manager of a gamestop. now, if i working the corporate side and doing something like that, i’d hate myself a little less.
your reward for getting halfway through - a kitten.
journalist – this is something i’d really like to do. i kinda want to work for a newspaper but i really want to work for a magazine. i think working for like a music magazine [like alternative press] or a video game magazine [like gameinformer] would be totally legit. those are two things i’m really passionate about and know a lot about so making a career out of writing about them would be a really great way to spend my life.
author – this is the be-all-end-all career choice for me. to get paid to write novels would make me the happiest boy in the world. however, to do so, you need to be good at writing [i'm decent] and have an iron will in the face of publishers who will daily tell you that your book sucks. my will is that of wet cardboard when it comes to rejection. i also get frequent bouts of writers block…which sometimes last for months [like 12 of them in a row].
those are all the things i want to do. thats it. nothing else sounds interesting or fun and i didn’t just go to college for four years and pay almost $80,000 to do something boring and stupid.
that’s it for today.
- the lumberjack.
panic attack.
February 17th, 2011 § Leave a Comment
i’m fine.
i finished my intro to my 15 page research paper…and then i had my first panic attack of the semester. i’m hoping it was just a one time thing since last semester i had them two or three times a week. i handle stress pretty well, but i do not handle chronic soul crippling panic attacks very well.
why so stressed, lumberjack?
well, since you asked, i’ll tell you.
- school – i’m actually trying this semester, since i’d love to be in an honor society before i graduate here. my classes are more work than i anticipated but they are manageable on their own. i’m having a severe case of writer’s block on the first paper i have to write for my english class, which is not how i wanted to start the semester.
- work - i’m working a lot more than i’d like to be. don’t get me wrong, bi-weekly $400+ paychecks are phenomenal, but it is just starting to feel like too much when coupled with the classes. once again, nothing i can’t handle on it’s own.
- the future - i’m about to be a senior and have absolutely no idea what i’m going to do after school. i’ve contacted gameinformer magazine [because i'm a big lame nerd] and didn’t get anything back. i’m going to wait a few months and try again, hopefully with a better resume and what not. i’m not even sure where i can find a job or even what i want to do. i remember being like…16 and not knowing what i wanted to do and people telling me that was okay, but now i’m almost 21 and still have no idea. grad school is starting to look better…atleast i’ll have a few more years to figure out what i want to do.
- my novel – my novel has gone nowhere in almost a year so i decided to write a short story. however, that short story sucks. i’m too critical of my writing. writer’s block makes me think i should just be a gamestop employee for the rest of my life. i’m atleast good at that.
that’s it.
if that doesn’t seem like a lot to you, well congrats on being a better person than me. and sorry for the kind of depressing post. i’ll do better next time.
- the lumberjack.
