a tall stack of flapjacks.
September 8th, 2011 § Leave a Comment
sorry guys.
life has been really busy lately so i haven’t been keeping up with this as much as i’d like. whenever i get stressed out and busy, this is the first thing i cut from my “to-do list” which needs to stop. anyway, main point – i’m sorry.
on to the actual post.
so it’s pretty much official – i think i’m depressed again. now, before i say anything else i would like to clarify one huge point.
i am not crying out for help. i am not looking for attention. i’m a big boy. i can handle my own problems. if i ask you for your help, then i want it. if i don’t, then i don’t. once again, not a cry for attention.
meh.
i’ve become pretty good at placing my depression on the back burner and living a totally functional life without need of medication or any type of therapeutic assistance. but you know, everyone has those days that are just worse than others, and lately, i’ve been quietly having those days everyday. even on my best day this weekend [the entirety of which was pretty fantastic] i was still a wreck mentally.
and i can’t blame this on a specific person or event or responsibility. there is just a lot of stuff going on.
why this sucks.
1. it’s making me really sleepy. i go to bed and and then sleep for like ten hours, then i wake up and i’m still tired. i feel like the fattest laziest person ever because i need a nap after sleeping for nine hours.
2. i have way too much stuff to do to be this apathetic. i have to work. i have to run a store and make sales and do stuff that goes along with what my job requires. i’m pretty sure i had my worst night of work [statistically and productively] that i’ve had since…i can’t even remember.
on top of that, i have school which requires a lot more attention than i have to give right now. it’s not that i don’t care, because deep down on a subconscious level, i am stoked i’m about to graduate college. it’s like i just completed the longest most draining marathon ever attempted and i came in first. but consciously, i don’t have any f’s to give.
i have friendships and relationships and acquaintances and people i care about that i feel like i’m letting down by being this miserable sad sack all the time.
3. and well, for the obvious reason – i’m depressed. i’m not myself. it sucks. for anyone that has ever dealt with this bullshit from the point of view of being depressed, it’s awful trying to tell the people that you love that you’re just really sad and there is nothing they can do/say/etc. to make you a complete human being again. because that is essentially what being depressed is – it is being a person that isn’t quite whole and not knowing why.
i think that’s enough.
yeah, that’s enough for tonight. i’m gonna go do homework or play xbox or something. or nothing. i don’t know.
later.
-the lumberjack
play crack the sky.
August 25th, 2011 § 3 Comments
there’s a storm a coming.
living in virginia beach/norfolk my entire life, i’m sort of used to the constant threat every summer of a massive angry tempest wiping out my city. this is something that i just kind of live with, i think about it occasionally, but i mostly just go on living my life until it looks like it’s going to get really dangerous. then i just sort of sit around and ride it out. luckily, this only happens once every four or five years.
irene.
but it looks like our luck has run out. unfortunately, florida isn’t going to block us from this one and it doesn’t look like it’s going to suddenly jump over in to the gulf of mexico. irene is expected to make landfall in north carolina saturday morning/afternoon and be in norfolk by saturday evening. right now it is a category 3 [which terrifies me] because hurricane katrina was a category 3 and it was responsible for over 1000 deaths.
i live in that pink area labeled "extreme threat"
our last major hurricane was isabel back in 2003 and it was only a category 1 or 2. that knocked out power for over two weeks. i really don’t want to deal with this again. hurricanes are awful things that shouldn’t even exist.
i would prefer a zombie apocalypse because you kill zombies with guns and fire and they are a tangible enemy. i can’t kill weather. i can’t remove weather’s head or destroy it’s brain.
this is stupid.
it’s my senior year. i don’t want to deal with my classes getting postponed and i really don’t want to be terrified for a few days while i pray that my apartment building doesn’t flood or collapse or a tree doesn’t fly through my window and impale me. i also don’t want the power to go out. i just don’t want it to happen.
solution.
let’s just move norfolk and virginia beach [i saw this in a spongebob episode once]. we’ll just push the cities out of the way, maybe further inland, and we can just avoid the flooding and the winds and the death. you’re welcome.
as for me.
i’m going to go build a log cabin in the woods. that’s what lumberjacks do.
but in all seriousness, be careful. this hurricane isn’t anything to mess with. go buy some supplies and stuff, be smart, evacuate if you feel necessary. as for me, i’m going to sit in my apartment, enjoy the electricity until it goes out, and probably sleep a lot.
take care.
-the lumberjack.
be a good person.
August 24th, 2011 § 1 Comment
don’t be an asshole.
if i could offer anyone a little piece of advice that i’ve picked up over the past 21 years or so of being a person, that would be it. it is simple enough and i feel like it shouldn’t be that hard. but you’d be surprised how many trolls exist within a 3959 mile radius [that is the earth's radius. i googled it to make that joke happen. you're welcome.]
two thumbs up for the folks being good dudes.
a day to day basis.
working in retail, you meet a lot of interesting people. about 75% of these people are going to be friendly and about 33% of those people are going to become regular consumers at your respective establishment. people are attracted to friendliness and will tend to migrate towards it.
this is from a business standpoint. if that were true, you’d see a ton of people dating really nice overweight people.
however, that leaves 25% of people that are going to be rude and downright awful. those are the people that need to read this. treating your waiter/waitress/sales associate/taxi driver/parents/teachers/friends like garbage is just going to get you a shitty response. i’m way more likely to bend rules and go out of my way to help you out if you’re a nice dude or lady.
exceptions to the rule.
some people are just terrible people. they were born that way. some people just suck at being people, and there is no one to blame for that, except for that person. and you know what, they can suck it.
re-evaluating my life.
i guess i’m just at a point where i just don’t want to deal with people anymore. not people in a literal sense but people in the sense that i just don’t have the energy to please everyone. that is going to be a struggle i think. i’m a “people pleaser” [not sexually. eh...maybe sexually] so i enjoy making other people happy [now it is definitely sexual].
i’ve been deleting people from facebook and from my phone lately cause i just need better people in my life or i just need to focus on the quality ones that are already there.
don’t be an asshole.
live by that. tell people that. make it your life motto. do something with it. i’m in a period of positive growth in my life and i’d like to keep it that way. oh yeah, and support your local gamestop. those dudes try hard to be good at their job, they deserve some love.
thanks for reading.
-the lumberjack
commit this to memory.
August 22nd, 2011 § Leave a Comment
lgfuad.
so i’ve been listening to a lot of motion city soundtrack recently and i realized i have the same connection with them as i do with brand new. each one of motion city’s albums strikes me in a different way, almost like it is speaking to a different part of my soul. then i remember i don’t have a soul and move on with my life.
a bottle of woodchuck cause why not?
on to more de-pressing matters.
i’m finding more and more that i have nothing important to say about things. not to toot my own horn or dick ride myself, but i like to consider myself something of an intelligent dude but as i age i feel like my grip on current events and my thoughts is just sort of slipping. i mean, i’m not getting stupid, i’m just getting lazy. [i hope]
this apparently happens to everyone.
i was talking to my dear friend and boss, nick r., and he told me he went through the same sort of from when he turned 20 to the present, which bums me out cause apparently it gets worse. we were standing at work and i asked him if he ever had sweet internal monologues with himself about life and what he thought about things and he looked at me real sad only to respond with a “yeah dude. but it just kind of went away one day.”
my first instinct was to blame gamestop because that made sense. we both work there. but it isn’t gamestop’s fault.
i don’t know what i’m going to do to fix my brain.
someone asked me how i felt about something that was vaguely important the other day, and you know what i did? i lied to them. i made a bunch of really impressive sentences with some intellectual sounding words, and they totally bought it. i felt kind of dirty for lying to someone about something they clearly wanted my opinion on, but that was my first response. that was what my brain naturally went to.
my brain has become an awful muck of stupid.
so why did i write this post?
i honestly couldn’t tell you. i really don’t even know why i bothered all of you with this problem. i can’t fix it. you can’t fix it. only time will tell if i can become the intellectual i used to be, rather than the pseudo-intellectual piece of trash i am now.
sorry for being all depressed, internet.
- the lumberjack
i need to be less people.
August 19th, 2011 § 5 Comments
i am a big dude.
and that is just a sad fact that i have to live with. or is it?
but first.
now playing – the longest mile by circa survive
the lumberjack swung some lumber tonight.
that was, unfortunately, not a sexual innuendo for scoring with a lady, but i did hit some balls tonight…some softballs!! [hardee har har] but all jokes aside, i joined my church’s softball team and we had our first games tonight. i missed the first game, which the team won 24-11 due to work [which was meh] but i made it in time to play in the second one. unfortunately, i am not as good at softball as i was at baseball.
here is how terrible at sports i am.
thug life.
i hit a line drive straight to the third baseman who caught it but it made an impressive sound. then i went and played right field, missed catching the ball by three inches, chased after it, tripped in a hole, lost my balance, then fell down. then later another one got hit towards me and went way over my head.
finally, the inning was over and we were up to bat again. we didn’t score. then the coach stuck me on third base which we were hoping would be better. i missed a baseline rip, was six feet too short to catch another. they scored about 13 runs that inning. i went up to bat again, popped out to left field.
now it’s bottom of the third, i got a grounder hit right to me, and i stopped it [woo!] but unfortunately, in my excitement, i overthrew the second base. we finally lost the game 19-7.
what did i learn?
i need to lose some weight. i need to lift some weights that aren’t attached to my fat body. i need to work on fielding. i need to work on batting. i just need to work on myself.
and that is that.
goodnight everyone.
-the lumberjack
a report from the logging camp – 08.17.11
August 17th, 2011 § Leave a Comment
what’s up, world?
yes, i am still alive. which means, no, i’m not dead. nor did i lose all ability to type or blog or anything. school and work kind of overwhelmed me and i just sort of lost all my motivation to do anything creative at all.
that happens to people, right?
anyway…
i guess some of you might be wondering what i’ve been up to [and some of you probably don't care]…so here is what i’ve been up to.
technology failed.
my dear laptop, percy the pc, passed away after two years of tremendous service to both queen and country. i was downloading music…that i may or may not have paid for, and after it downloaded the file, it just sort of died. it wouldn’t boot up the whole way and it was sad day. so about 7 days and $800 later, i have a brand new laptop which i believe is named horace. it’s a better laptop than i had before so i’m pretty happy with the forced investment.
this album has kept me sane.
where we buy and sell used games.
yeah, i’m still at gamestop doing my thing. i’m still shift lead [unfortunately] but there isn’t really anything i can do about it. i’m not willing to change stores to get promoted because i like my customers and i like my coworkers and we all work well together so i’ll just stick to being the bottom rung on the management ladder until i get my opportunity to advance. i’m incredibly good at my job though, so i guess that is the bright side.
it isn’t really hard to be good at that job though…
senior citizen discount.
two milestones within a month of each other: i’m 21 now and i’m a senior this year. finally, my last year at wesleyan and i couldn’t be happier. i’m kind of excited to move out on my own, get a job, maybe go to graduate school. who knows? tons of opportunities and all that jazz once i graduate, right?
if i stay optimistic, it helps me from crying about having absolutely no clue what i’m going to do next year.
well…that’s it.
i always say i’m going to update this more and be better about updating, but i never do. so i leave you with this promise that i’m going to try.
-the lumberjack.
