a fresh start.
January 31st, 2012 § Leave a Comment
hey guys.
so a lot of stuff has been going on in my life. i ended something last semester that a lot of people gave me shit for. but you know what? it was my decision to make. i’m sorry for those that it hurt in the process. i lost a lot of friends but i guess that is just something that happens when you share friends.
however, i’ve gotten really close with my roommates and friends that i lost touch with. i also got a lot closer with my parents [surprisingly] and it is great knowing that they support me in everything i do no matter what their feelings are regarding my decision. my relationship with my parents is really important to me and i wouldn’t change it for the world.
i also met someone…so yeah.
moving forward.
this is my last semester at virginia wesleyan which means i’m about to enter the real world with all of it’s mystery and wonder and terror.
this semester i’m the editor of the opinion section of my college paper, which is really exciting. i’ve wanted an editing position since i started college and it took me three years to finally get one. it’s really nice finally having an editor in chief that can keep a promise.
i’m taking a lot of upper level classes:
- a public relations class that requires a final project of 20 pages of research and strategies for how wesleyan can attract better students that i have to present to all of the deans of the college, the president of the college, and the admissions department.
- my senior seminar in political science which deals with social movements, which should be interesting.
- a film appreciation class with one of my favorite professors.
- a theories and methods of mass communications class which will probably be the death of me. i’ll manage though.
there is a local newspaper that i am considering sending my resume to so i have high hopes that it might work out with them. if not, i’ll probably just continue working for that video game retailer [that i am now the assistant manager of!] and do that until i can find a big boy job.
i’m also moving in with some friends after i graduate, so i’m really stoked for that.
that’s about it…
life is really great. i’m not sad anymore. at all. like…i am happy pretty much all the time. it is really nice not feeling broken anymore. everyone has their bad days, and now i’m just like everyone else. i have my bad days, but i have way more good days than bad days and it is fantastic.
i’ve been writing my novel again and i’ve gotten a lot more of it done in the past few months. i really hope to have it finished by the end of the year. my original goal was by graduation but that isn’t going to happen unless i can start busting out a chapter a week [which i guess could be doable].
anyway.
i’m back. i’m alive. i’m happy. i’m feeling productive and i’m gonna stick to this.
-the lumberjack
the near future.
September 10th, 2011 § Leave a Comment
about last night…
sorry about that guys. i realized when i’m in that type of mood [that level of intoxicated], maybe pouring my soul out to the internet isn’t the best way to cope with that [or maybe i'll make a tumblr so i can do that]. i need to just be creative, or get out of my room and do something. but anyway, i apologize and it won’t happen again.
tonight is a new night.
so i’m sitting in my room, listening to iwrestledabearonce and the bunny the bear [go listen to these bands] and thinking about my life. not my life in any sort of depressing capacity [intentionally] but more of my life in a “what am i going to do in a year?” capacity. and i’m trying hard not to panic about it because panic attacks aren’t any fun, but i’m having trouble with that. i just have no idea what i want to do after i graduate.
what are my options?
1. graduate school – yeah no thanks. i have been in school for like…16 years now and i’m kind of just done learning stuff for a little while. and i wouldn’t even know what to go to grad school for [english or marketing/business] or even begin to know where i’d want to go [most likely odu because it is sort of cheap and close to home/work]. i’m trying to talk [trick] my dad in to paying for it because i really don’t want to be even more in debt.
2. get a big boy job – i know what i want to do…sort of. well i have a lot of employment ideas but all of them require a massive stroke of luck and an extensive network of incredibly well connected people that have an affinity for chubby bearded hipster dudes that like writing and video games. so yeah, that isn’t gonna happen.
3. take a year off from school and continue working at gamestop – this is looking like the most probable solution to my problem.
4. move west and start over – i mean…why not? worked for a lot of other people, maybe my luck/demeanor/life will change for the better. isn’t like i can’t ever move back if it sucks worse out there.
so….yeah.
i’ll probably continue working for gamestop and hope and pray that i get promoted to assistant manager while i figure out what i want to do with myself. not the greatest option but it’ll pay the bills until i have to start paying back my almost six figure college debt.
anyone looking to donate to the lumberjack relief fund can contact me at —> theindielumberjack@gmail.com.
thanks for reading. more substantial/important posts coming soon.
-the lumberjack.
this is my night.
September 10th, 2011 § Leave a Comment
it’s friday night.
so it’s barely midnight and i’m already alone in my room while everyone on campus is out getting drunk, having tons of fun, and doing stuff with their friends. granted, i’m not going to lie and say i didn’t imbibe tonight, because i did. i drank some awful wine [a lot of awful wine] out of a secondary container [a red plastic cup] and walked around campus with my friends. then they all just kinda went off to do their own thing. i got invited to do stuff but i decided my room was…safer? <— i guess?
i sort of just feel like i’d bring them down. once again, this is all part of this depression bullshit. [sorry for swearing so much, mom] i don’t feel like myself. i was having fun earlier [i think] but as soon as everyone was gone i was like…well now i just have myself and that sucks. like, being by myself doesn’t scare me or anything. i’m not afraid of being alone or that i’ll do something stupid. i’m just not a fan of being alone with my thoughts.
i didn’t used to be afraid of my thoughts. and it isn’t like my thoughts scare me in a literal “terror” sense, it is more of the fact that i don’t like what my brain is capable of as it’s own entity. my brain just kind of does it’s own thing when i’m by myself where it justifies things and makes me feel awful about other things. i just want my brain to be like…a normal functional brain that doesn’t make me awful. there has to be something for that.
i’m a dweller.
i dwell on things. i over-think things. it is just who i am. i’m not proud of it, i’m not happy about it, but i’ve learned to accept that it is just part of my personality. and…now i completely forgot where my brain was going with that thought. i drank too much tonight. [once again, i'm sorry mom].
but good news, jack’s mannequin just came on pandora and now i’m crying.
this was a mistake.
yeah, writing this was a bad idea. sorry internet. sorry friends. sorry mom.
-the lumberjack
a tall stack of flapjacks.
September 8th, 2011 § Leave a Comment
sorry guys.
life has been really busy lately so i haven’t been keeping up with this as much as i’d like. whenever i get stressed out and busy, this is the first thing i cut from my “to-do list” which needs to stop. anyway, main point – i’m sorry.
on to the actual post.
so it’s pretty much official – i think i’m depressed again. now, before i say anything else i would like to clarify one huge point.
i am not crying out for help. i am not looking for attention. i’m a big boy. i can handle my own problems. if i ask you for your help, then i want it. if i don’t, then i don’t. once again, not a cry for attention.
meh.
i’ve become pretty good at placing my depression on the back burner and living a totally functional life without need of medication or any type of therapeutic assistance. but you know, everyone has those days that are just worse than others, and lately, i’ve been quietly having those days everyday. even on my best day this weekend [the entirety of which was pretty fantastic] i was still a wreck mentally.
and i can’t blame this on a specific person or event or responsibility. there is just a lot of stuff going on.
why this sucks.
1. it’s making me really sleepy. i go to bed and and then sleep for like ten hours, then i wake up and i’m still tired. i feel like the fattest laziest person ever because i need a nap after sleeping for nine hours.
2. i have way too much stuff to do to be this apathetic. i have to work. i have to run a store and make sales and do stuff that goes along with what my job requires. i’m pretty sure i had my worst night of work [statistically and productively] that i’ve had since…i can’t even remember.
on top of that, i have school which requires a lot more attention than i have to give right now. it’s not that i don’t care, because deep down on a subconscious level, i am stoked i’m about to graduate college. it’s like i just completed the longest most draining marathon ever attempted and i came in first. but consciously, i don’t have any f’s to give.
i have friendships and relationships and acquaintances and people i care about that i feel like i’m letting down by being this miserable sad sack all the time.
3. and well, for the obvious reason – i’m depressed. i’m not myself. it sucks. for anyone that has ever dealt with this bullshit from the point of view of being depressed, it’s awful trying to tell the people that you love that you’re just really sad and there is nothing they can do/say/etc. to make you a complete human being again. because that is essentially what being depressed is – it is being a person that isn’t quite whole and not knowing why.
i think that’s enough.
yeah, that’s enough for tonight. i’m gonna go do homework or play xbox or something. or nothing. i don’t know.
later.
-the lumberjack
play crack the sky.
August 25th, 2011 § 3 Comments
there’s a storm a coming.
living in virginia beach/norfolk my entire life, i’m sort of used to the constant threat every summer of a massive angry tempest wiping out my city. this is something that i just kind of live with, i think about it occasionally, but i mostly just go on living my life until it looks like it’s going to get really dangerous. then i just sort of sit around and ride it out. luckily, this only happens once every four or five years.
irene.
but it looks like our luck has run out. unfortunately, florida isn’t going to block us from this one and it doesn’t look like it’s going to suddenly jump over in to the gulf of mexico. irene is expected to make landfall in north carolina saturday morning/afternoon and be in norfolk by saturday evening. right now it is a category 3 [which terrifies me] because hurricane katrina was a category 3 and it was responsible for over 1000 deaths.
i live in that pink area labeled "extreme threat"
our last major hurricane was isabel back in 2003 and it was only a category 1 or 2. that knocked out power for over two weeks. i really don’t want to deal with this again. hurricanes are awful things that shouldn’t even exist.
i would prefer a zombie apocalypse because you kill zombies with guns and fire and they are a tangible enemy. i can’t kill weather. i can’t remove weather’s head or destroy it’s brain.
this is stupid.
it’s my senior year. i don’t want to deal with my classes getting postponed and i really don’t want to be terrified for a few days while i pray that my apartment building doesn’t flood or collapse or a tree doesn’t fly through my window and impale me. i also don’t want the power to go out. i just don’t want it to happen.
solution.
let’s just move norfolk and virginia beach [i saw this in a spongebob episode once]. we’ll just push the cities out of the way, maybe further inland, and we can just avoid the flooding and the winds and the death. you’re welcome.
as for me.
i’m going to go build a log cabin in the woods. that’s what lumberjacks do.
but in all seriousness, be careful. this hurricane isn’t anything to mess with. go buy some supplies and stuff, be smart, evacuate if you feel necessary. as for me, i’m going to sit in my apartment, enjoy the electricity until it goes out, and probably sleep a lot.
take care.
-the lumberjack.
commit this to memory.
August 22nd, 2011 § Leave a Comment
lgfuad.
so i’ve been listening to a lot of motion city soundtrack recently and i realized i have the same connection with them as i do with brand new. each one of motion city’s albums strikes me in a different way, almost like it is speaking to a different part of my soul. then i remember i don’t have a soul and move on with my life.
a bottle of woodchuck cause why not?
on to more de-pressing matters.
i’m finding more and more that i have nothing important to say about things. not to toot my own horn or dick ride myself, but i like to consider myself something of an intelligent dude but as i age i feel like my grip on current events and my thoughts is just sort of slipping. i mean, i’m not getting stupid, i’m just getting lazy. [i hope]
this apparently happens to everyone.
i was talking to my dear friend and boss, nick r., and he told me he went through the same sort of from when he turned 20 to the present, which bums me out cause apparently it gets worse. we were standing at work and i asked him if he ever had sweet internal monologues with himself about life and what he thought about things and he looked at me real sad only to respond with a “yeah dude. but it just kind of went away one day.”
my first instinct was to blame gamestop because that made sense. we both work there. but it isn’t gamestop’s fault.
i don’t know what i’m going to do to fix my brain.
someone asked me how i felt about something that was vaguely important the other day, and you know what i did? i lied to them. i made a bunch of really impressive sentences with some intellectual sounding words, and they totally bought it. i felt kind of dirty for lying to someone about something they clearly wanted my opinion on, but that was my first response. that was what my brain naturally went to.
my brain has become an awful muck of stupid.
so why did i write this post?
i honestly couldn’t tell you. i really don’t even know why i bothered all of you with this problem. i can’t fix it. you can’t fix it. only time will tell if i can become the intellectual i used to be, rather than the pseudo-intellectual piece of trash i am now.
sorry for being all depressed, internet.
- the lumberjack
