why we write.
September 12th, 2011 § 3 Comments
the nicest thing ever was written to me.
so last night, i wrote that blog about the future [i do those a lot] and i was pretty pleased with it. it wasn’t the normal complain-fest that normally consumes my public writings. i thought it was well done and for once i was proud of a blog i wrote. after i wrote it, i went out around campus with some friends and just made new friends and did what i always do the first few weeks of the semester.
overall, the night was wonderful and i had a lot of fun. yesterday was just a good day altogether [other than my xbox breaking but that was easily fixed].
i took this picture a few years ago. the oceanfront is sort of magical at night.
but then i got back to my room.
usually when i’m in my room alone, horrible things happen to my brain but not last night.
so here is what happened.
i was sitting in my bed watching tv and eating some late night taco bell [ a number 6 - steak baha chalupas and a soft taco] when i got a facebook message. usually i get really nervous when i get facebook messages [no idea why] so i opened it not knowing what to expect. it was from a guy that shopped at my gamestop with his friends. we’d talked a lot about world of warcraft back when i played it and him and his friends are the three nicest dudes ever and i wish nothing but the best for all three of them.
but anyway.
he sent me a message and basically the gist of it was that my writing helped him. it was comforting for him to know that he wasn’t alone in all the stuff he was dealing with and it was nice to know there was someone out there who was kind of going through the same stuff as he was.
going to be completely honest…
his message made me cry. let me clarify: i was almost to the point of weeping. i do this writing for me to help myself cope with myself, but knowing that my awkward ramblings about life helped somebody out seriously makes all the stuff i go through entirely worth it. like, i’m entirely aware that i don’t have a hard life and that i’m an incredibly privileged individual, but we all still have our own problems.
i guess what i’m saying is this: we all touch people’s lives whether we realize it or they tell us or not. there is always someone watching you, paying attention to you, maybe even learning from you. that message made me feel like this blog is worth me keeping up with.
so thank you for reading. knowing that people read this, even if it is just a handful of friends and random people i trick with my “tags”, makes it worth it.
sleep well, folks.
-the lumberjack.
a quick playlist – 9.11.11
September 11th, 2011 § 3 Comments
today is a day of remembrance.
thanks to everyone who serves in the armed forces for doing what you do. and my big lumberjack heart goes out to all the families of those that lost their lives a decade ago. thank you for staying strong and continuing on in their memory.
a real quick playlist.
so i have to head in to work and figured i had a few minutes to post a quick playlist for everyone. it is sort of all over the place but i hope you enjoy it.
- “transatlanticism” by death cab for cutie
- “elder goose” by dance gavin dance
- “aisle” by the bunny the bear
- “its’ for the best” by straylight run
- “upward over the mountain” by iron & wine
that’s all.
it was just something quick while i figured out what to wear to work. [dark jeans, black v-neck, purple plaid flannel shirt]
enjoy your day, folks.
-the lumberjack
the near future.
September 10th, 2011 § Leave a Comment
about last night…
sorry about that guys. i realized when i’m in that type of mood [that level of intoxicated], maybe pouring my soul out to the internet isn’t the best way to cope with that [or maybe i'll make a tumblr so i can do that]. i need to just be creative, or get out of my room and do something. but anyway, i apologize and it won’t happen again.
tonight is a new night.
so i’m sitting in my room, listening to iwrestledabearonce and the bunny the bear [go listen to these bands] and thinking about my life. not my life in any sort of depressing capacity [intentionally] but more of my life in a “what am i going to do in a year?” capacity. and i’m trying hard not to panic about it because panic attacks aren’t any fun, but i’m having trouble with that. i just have no idea what i want to do after i graduate.
what are my options?
1. graduate school – yeah no thanks. i have been in school for like…16 years now and i’m kind of just done learning stuff for a little while. and i wouldn’t even know what to go to grad school for [english or marketing/business] or even begin to know where i’d want to go [most likely odu because it is sort of cheap and close to home/work]. i’m trying to talk [trick] my dad in to paying for it because i really don’t want to be even more in debt.
2. get a big boy job – i know what i want to do…sort of. well i have a lot of employment ideas but all of them require a massive stroke of luck and an extensive network of incredibly well connected people that have an affinity for chubby bearded hipster dudes that like writing and video games. so yeah, that isn’t gonna happen.
3. take a year off from school and continue working at gamestop – this is looking like the most probable solution to my problem.
4. move west and start over – i mean…why not? worked for a lot of other people, maybe my luck/demeanor/life will change for the better. isn’t like i can’t ever move back if it sucks worse out there.
so….yeah.
i’ll probably continue working for gamestop and hope and pray that i get promoted to assistant manager while i figure out what i want to do with myself. not the greatest option but it’ll pay the bills until i have to start paying back my almost six figure college debt.
anyone looking to donate to the lumberjack relief fund can contact me at —> theindielumberjack@gmail.com.
thanks for reading. more substantial/important posts coming soon.
-the lumberjack.
this is my night.
September 10th, 2011 § Leave a Comment
it’s friday night.
so it’s barely midnight and i’m already alone in my room while everyone on campus is out getting drunk, having tons of fun, and doing stuff with their friends. granted, i’m not going to lie and say i didn’t imbibe tonight, because i did. i drank some awful wine [a lot of awful wine] out of a secondary container [a red plastic cup] and walked around campus with my friends. then they all just kinda went off to do their own thing. i got invited to do stuff but i decided my room was…safer? <— i guess?
i sort of just feel like i’d bring them down. once again, this is all part of this depression bullshit. [sorry for swearing so much, mom] i don’t feel like myself. i was having fun earlier [i think] but as soon as everyone was gone i was like…well now i just have myself and that sucks. like, being by myself doesn’t scare me or anything. i’m not afraid of being alone or that i’ll do something stupid. i’m just not a fan of being alone with my thoughts.
i didn’t used to be afraid of my thoughts. and it isn’t like my thoughts scare me in a literal “terror” sense, it is more of the fact that i don’t like what my brain is capable of as it’s own entity. my brain just kind of does it’s own thing when i’m by myself where it justifies things and makes me feel awful about other things. i just want my brain to be like…a normal functional brain that doesn’t make me awful. there has to be something for that.
i’m a dweller.
i dwell on things. i over-think things. it is just who i am. i’m not proud of it, i’m not happy about it, but i’ve learned to accept that it is just part of my personality. and…now i completely forgot where my brain was going with that thought. i drank too much tonight. [once again, i'm sorry mom].
but good news, jack’s mannequin just came on pandora and now i’m crying.
this was a mistake.
yeah, writing this was a bad idea. sorry internet. sorry friends. sorry mom.
-the lumberjack
a tall stack of flapjacks.
September 8th, 2011 § Leave a Comment
sorry guys.
life has been really busy lately so i haven’t been keeping up with this as much as i’d like. whenever i get stressed out and busy, this is the first thing i cut from my “to-do list” which needs to stop. anyway, main point – i’m sorry.
on to the actual post.
so it’s pretty much official – i think i’m depressed again. now, before i say anything else i would like to clarify one huge point.
i am not crying out for help. i am not looking for attention. i’m a big boy. i can handle my own problems. if i ask you for your help, then i want it. if i don’t, then i don’t. once again, not a cry for attention.
meh.
i’ve become pretty good at placing my depression on the back burner and living a totally functional life without need of medication or any type of therapeutic assistance. but you know, everyone has those days that are just worse than others, and lately, i’ve been quietly having those days everyday. even on my best day this weekend [the entirety of which was pretty fantastic] i was still a wreck mentally.
and i can’t blame this on a specific person or event or responsibility. there is just a lot of stuff going on.
why this sucks.
1. it’s making me really sleepy. i go to bed and and then sleep for like ten hours, then i wake up and i’m still tired. i feel like the fattest laziest person ever because i need a nap after sleeping for nine hours.
2. i have way too much stuff to do to be this apathetic. i have to work. i have to run a store and make sales and do stuff that goes along with what my job requires. i’m pretty sure i had my worst night of work [statistically and productively] that i’ve had since…i can’t even remember.
on top of that, i have school which requires a lot more attention than i have to give right now. it’s not that i don’t care, because deep down on a subconscious level, i am stoked i’m about to graduate college. it’s like i just completed the longest most draining marathon ever attempted and i came in first. but consciously, i don’t have any f’s to give.
i have friendships and relationships and acquaintances and people i care about that i feel like i’m letting down by being this miserable sad sack all the time.
3. and well, for the obvious reason – i’m depressed. i’m not myself. it sucks. for anyone that has ever dealt with this bullshit from the point of view of being depressed, it’s awful trying to tell the people that you love that you’re just really sad and there is nothing they can do/say/etc. to make you a complete human being again. because that is essentially what being depressed is – it is being a person that isn’t quite whole and not knowing why.
i think that’s enough.
yeah, that’s enough for tonight. i’m gonna go do homework or play xbox or something. or nothing. i don’t know.
later.
-the lumberjack
